Fuck this Shit

Trigger Warning: This post is about suicide and self-harm. But it's also about overcoming them, so read it if you want. Also I swear a lot in this, not sure if you could tell from the title.

     I just reread one of my earlier posts, about depression. I said that depression is the enemy that you are strong enough to fight. To survive. But I said I don't know if I'm strong enough. Well fuck that. Fuck all of that. I am so strong enough to fight this stupid liar in my mind. As of writing this I really want to cut. I am currently craving the feeling of scissors on my arm. But I am done with this bullshit. I am refusing to do this. I look at the scars and open cuts still on my arm and I am fucking done. This anger won't last forever and I know I will relapse again at some point, but for now I say to hell with this. Today is the day I finally win the battle. The war will continue, but today I can win. A lot of shit happened today, if I were going to cut today that is letting it win. That is letting everything against me win, depression, losing friends, other bullshit. 

    Treating depression like the enemy somehow is working. For me, at least. I am going to go to sleep tonight knowing I won. I'm not going to go to sleep for a couple of hours, so this is a fucking promise. I've won before, but never like this. Never in anger, never in stubbornness. But fuck it, if it works it works. 

    She isn't going to win today. The Alternate isn't going to win today. This voice, you're reading? This is me. This is the same nerdy weirdo that wrote about Jurassic World: Evolution 3 and Secret of the Mimic. But I am fucking angry this time. No, not angry. I am stubborn, I am excited to finally win. The Alternate will be back, but so will this rage. Life isn't the alternative anymore. Death is. For once life is the first option.